Wednesday, April 21, 2010


So, I was told 2 or so months ago that my depression seemed to be going into remission. But, with Adam's father passing away recently, I think I went into a mini-tailspin. I quit my job & I don't have much interest in anything but music anymore...and I sometimes have to coerce myself into enjoying that. The job I don't miss. It was a good decision and I haven't had even on doubt about it. When I left the first time, my heart was heavy and I missed it. This time, I feel none of that. I just wasn't getting anything out of it anymore. Where that leaves me professionally is yet to be determined, but things will work themselves out eventually.

I'm sleeping throughout the day and staying up until dawn every night. I don't know why that happens to me but it's not a new problem. I can feel the depression seeping back in. Every time someone mentions my mother or I think about her, I break down. My therapist says that the emotional elements of loss never truly go away. They work in cycles, sometimes taking years to transition from one stage to the next. So, the truth is that, although it will decrease in severity, the pain of my loss will never go away. I have lost 3 very close family members in the past 9 months. I believe that I have every right to be depressed. I have every right to feel my pain and not try to suppress it. Not fighting what I feel has made my depression more bearable, if only by tearing down the wall I had built around my true feelings.

Life, in my opinion, is still beautiful. I am still an optimistic person...just one going through a rough time. I'm still going to live while I can. Some say people never change. I'm here to attest that we can & will, given certain circumstances. I am so very different now. I'm thinking it may be time for me to change my direction in life. I think I want to go back to school to study psychology. Not for a career, but I am obsessed with how humans work. I want to write about my findings. I want to share my experiences. I want to put myself out there. Maybe I can help someone else. Maybe someday I can form a support group, or something like it, to help people in my position now.

For the time being, I want to volunteer. I've been looking into things I can do for the American Cancer Association. Some may say that I'm doing for my own well-being but I can't honestly think of a better way for me to heal. Helping myself while helping others. If we're not helping one another throughout this test we call "life", we're wasting our capabilities. When you think about it, all we really have is one another. Human relationships & interactions, no matter how shallow or deep, are all significant in some way. We should take something from every person we meet, but also remember to give in return. We're all connected.

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