Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Bringing the Walls Down

My friends, I've hit the lowest of lows very recently. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was trying so hard to keep everything in my life, including my emotions, under complete control. I didn't allow myself to be as sad or as angry as I truly felt. I didn't want my walls to come down. I didn't want to feel what I feel now. It is utterly excruciating, exhausting, frustrating, & intense.

I've been reading through some blogs and some manual journal entries that I have written throughout this past year. For some reason, I always felt that I needed to leave everything on a positive, happy note. It was forced. I guess I felt like I needed to put on a brave face & convince the world(& myself) that everything was ok. The truth is, everything is not ok. My denial is over. I guess I couldn't take it anymore, & the breakdown began. So, now I feel like I should be completely honest, no matter how raw my thoughts & emotions may be.

The things I say from here on out are not cries for help. I am getting help, that I can assure you. I just want to chronicle this journey which will hopefully end with the light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. It can't hurt. It may help. I may learn things about myself in the process. I may not. I honestly have no clue what I'm in for, but the journey has to happen.

I've found myself in recent weeks experiencing prolonged periods of severe pain & depression. The pain, physical & emotional. The depression, very severe. Two nights ago, I truly scared myself. Not that I'd ever become suicidal, but I found myself honestly thinking & saying aloud that I'd rather not be here. So often have I wanted to just not exist anymore. Any trace of a positive attitude has been sucked right out of me. I believe that making one's way through loss is never an easy journey, but the sheer quantity of the loss I've had to endure over the course of 9 short months has just broken me into little pieces. My mother, my grandmother, my father-in-law(Lonnie had been a huge part of my life since I was 13 years old)...all gone before I could even wrap my head around the situation. My father & stepmother have pushed me & my sisters out of their lives & I consider that yet another loss. I've taken custody of my youngest sister & I'm trying so hard to help her but I can't even help myself. My husband has lost his father & his grief combined with mine has caused a major rift in our relationship. I talk too much & he doesn't talk enough. The lack of communication is killing us. I feel like we are losing one another. On some level, I wish he would leave me so I can get as much loss out of the way as I can. I'm so terrified of someone else I love leaving that I'm completely pulling away from everyone who means anything to my life. I feel worthless and sad and like I am burdening everyone around me. I don't ever want to leave my bed because, when I sleep, I don't feel. I sleep so much, just not at night. I sleep for the purpose of avoidance & simply because I just cannot take it anymore. I rarely leave my house because I'd rather be isolated. Solace is hard to come by these days.

I am completely broken. I am in thousands of tiny pieces on the ground and I just don't know how or when I can start rebuilding. I don't think I'm ready but I've made psych appointments. I am willing to go on stronger meds to help me gain control again. When my mother was told she was terminal, I made the conscious effort to stay one step ahead. I went on meds, started seeing a therapist, & began mentally preparing myself for the inevitable. But, what I didn't know then is that there is no preparation for what happened. I kept my guard up and braced myself. Recently, all of it has just pummeled me & left me for dead. Loss and grief are so evil. I can only hope that maybe I'll "find" myself throughout this experience, as I've been told I will. But, hope is far from my capabilities as of this moment.

Today, life is not beautiful. I feel naive for trying to convince myself of that. I prefer being naive and being able to convince myself that life has a purpose. I want that back. But, reality is cold & harsh & sometimes completely unfair. Maybe one day I'll begin to think positively again but I'll always be somewhat jaded. Innocence lost, never to be returned. As of now, my outlook is bleak. I'm just being honest.

So, I will continue to write & work through all of this. The girl you and I knew is lost & drowning & may be gone for quite some time...or maybe forever. Trust me when I say that I am trying, though. I don't want to completely give up without a tangible fight.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


So, I was told 2 or so months ago that my depression seemed to be going into remission. But, with Adam's father passing away recently, I think I went into a mini-tailspin. I quit my job & I don't have much interest in anything but music anymore...and I sometimes have to coerce myself into enjoying that. The job I don't miss. It was a good decision and I haven't had even on doubt about it. When I left the first time, my heart was heavy and I missed it. This time, I feel none of that. I just wasn't getting anything out of it anymore. Where that leaves me professionally is yet to be determined, but things will work themselves out eventually.

I'm sleeping throughout the day and staying up until dawn every night. I don't know why that happens to me but it's not a new problem. I can feel the depression seeping back in. Every time someone mentions my mother or I think about her, I break down. My therapist says that the emotional elements of loss never truly go away. They work in cycles, sometimes taking years to transition from one stage to the next. So, the truth is that, although it will decrease in severity, the pain of my loss will never go away. I have lost 3 very close family members in the past 9 months. I believe that I have every right to be depressed. I have every right to feel my pain and not try to suppress it. Not fighting what I feel has made my depression more bearable, if only by tearing down the wall I had built around my true feelings.

Life, in my opinion, is still beautiful. I am still an optimistic person...just one going through a rough time. I'm still going to live while I can. Some say people never change. I'm here to attest that we can & will, given certain circumstances. I am so very different now. I'm thinking it may be time for me to change my direction in life. I think I want to go back to school to study psychology. Not for a career, but I am obsessed with how humans work. I want to write about my findings. I want to share my experiences. I want to put myself out there. Maybe I can help someone else. Maybe someday I can form a support group, or something like it, to help people in my position now.

For the time being, I want to volunteer. I've been looking into things I can do for the American Cancer Association. Some may say that I'm doing for my own well-being but I can't honestly think of a better way for me to heal. Helping myself while helping others. If we're not helping one another throughout this test we call "life", we're wasting our capabilities. When you think about it, all we really have is one another. Human relationships & interactions, no matter how shallow or deep, are all significant in some way. We should take something from every person we meet, but also remember to give in return. We're all connected.