It's a new year with lots of new opportunities for good. Having recently taken a 6 month hiatus from "normal" life, my mindset has changed. I know many people say it, but I truly know what I means to cherish every moment, every person, every desire...
My internal struggles have lately turned from heartache & sadness to fighting my urges to live in the moment. I have a beautiful life, although I do believe there is more out there waiting for me. Somehow, I'd like to incorporate my passions with my responsibilities and leave as little room for regret as possible. Living in the moment sometimes mean doing/saying things you may regret later. Events can be life-altering. When should we as humans act on impulse and when should we fight it? Should we ever fight it? Will we want to re-do certain situations and encounters once we're too old(or dead) to do anything about them?
My dreams and goals for my life seem to be taking me in a different direction than I once envisioned. That's cool...things change. Nearly 2 years ago, I was settled into a life that I felt was perfect. Things have happened. Lessons have been learned. I want more out of life. I love Austin. I love my job. I love my family. But, I am, well, restless. I want to go, to see, to feel.
Internal conflict is made more difficult by your physical surroundings....sometimes. I traveled to New Orleans by myself last week and I can't remember the last time I felt so right. Something about the city and the opportunities there makes me feel at home. Even when walking(or dancing) around by myself, I didn't feel alone. I felt elated. Does that mean I should be there? I have no clue....because, as I drove down South Congress Avenue today(in Austin), I felt the same thing. This city is just as amazing, just lacking the dirty, swamp-like soul that New Orleans harbors.
I want uninhibited happiness. I want wild success. I want tons of laughter with friends...the kind of friends that can quote my favourite music right along with me and "get" my humor...and love me unconditionally. I meet people on a daily basis, but very few are let into my world. Why? Because everything and everyone in my life requires & deserves my passion & devotion. I have love, passion, and respect for every little aspect of my life right now. Every person. Every guitar chord. Every stroke of the makeup brush or snip of the shears. Every laugh.
The question that still resounds in my mind is that of what to do next. I'm not so sure that I'm the "settling down" type. I thought I was. Not so much anymore. Although, a psychic in New Orleans did tell me that I need to start following through completely. Maybe she knew that my tendency is to start planning what's next before I'm finished with whatever I'm currently doing.
One thing I do know for certain is that I want to spread as much happiness and love around this world as I possibly can. That can't happen by being physically, mentally, or spiritually stagnant. So, I have plans...big ones. They were dreams at one point. I'm making them real. Why not? Who says I can't have my cake and eat it, too??
Here's hoping for less analyzing and more living in my time to come.
"Every day should be a good day to die." -Dave J. Matthews