Wednesday, May 12, 2010


On Tuesday, I began learning my first Janis Joplin song. I'd say that's a milestone for me...most definitely. Later in the week, I began learning Neil Young's "Cinnamon Girl" and, the icing on the cake, George Harrison's "While My Guitar Gently Weeps". Music has been utterly consuming my world lately. If it weren't for those damned barre chords, I'd be a guitar badass. It'll all come with time, I know. But, as I journey deeper into the realm of listening to and playing music, I'm finding that my musical tastes are becoming so varied. It's awesome. Seriously, I don't push the "Next" button on my iPod nearly as much. I feel like I'm really hearing and feeling music like I never have before.

On a related note, there is a silver lining to depression. Everyone has highs and everyone has lows. Most people live day to day only experiencing the in-between. When the lows cut you down the point of near non-existence, it's the worst pain in the world. But, in turn, when the highs come back around, they are even more magnificent. One is much more likely to acknowledge them and appreciate them. It doesn't have to be much. Rain can be falling all around you for lengthy periods of time, but that one rainbow that peeks through unexpectedly is the most beautiful thing & that moment is one to hold on to. And remember.

Sometimes, I can't believe how something as simple as my guitar can give me so much hope. There is a feeling that comes with perfecting a song that I've been working on for weeks. I'm fortunate to have the opportunity to perform for an audience on a regular basis and have such a wonderful organization of supporters. For those few moments on that stage, the world can't touch me....I am as high as high can be. The entire music experience leads up to that moment...hearing, feeling, and finally emoting. It's intense and incredible.

I'm still fighting the uphill battle against my depression and anxiety, but one week into my new meds and several guitar practice sessions later, I feel like I've taken a step. One step. That's all I need for now. It's progress. I've willingly seen the sun more this week than I have in ages. I've pulled myself out of my house a few times just to run a menial errand or two...something I literally did not have the strength or willpower to do one week ago. I even dressed up once just to feel pretty for the day. For a few hours, I did feel pretty and it was nice.

Who knows what next week holds for long as I don't digress, I consider everyday progress. I've realized that I have to take the "one day at a time" thing quite literally and that's just fine by me. Adam and I will celebrate our 3 year wedding anniversary on Monday. I have my 3rd showcase next Sunday. I am playing 3 songs. Throughout my entire life, 3 has been an important number. I don't know what significance that has here, just thought I'd mention it. I'm thinking I may finally officially join a gym this week. It's always nice to have something to look forward to and my birthday is coming up in July. I'd like to be healthier...and thinner...but, healthier first.

I leave you with a lyric from a song that I am performing next weekend. It is quite fitting, in my opinion.

"Strange how hard it rains now
Rows & rows of big, dark clouds
But I'm still alive underneath this shroud...
Rain, rain, rain...."

-Patty Griffin, "Rain"

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