Bringing the Walls Down

My friends, I've hit the lowest of lows very recently. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was trying so hard to keep everything in my life, including my emotions, under complete control. I didn't allow myself to be as sad or as angry as I truly felt. I didn't want my walls to come down. I didn't want to feel what I feel now. It is utterly excruciating, exhausting, frustrating, & intense.

I've been reading through some blogs and some manual journal entries that I have written throughout this past year. For some reason, I always felt that I needed to leave everything on a positive, happy note. It was forced. I guess I felt like I needed to put on a brave face & convince the world(& myself) that everything was ok. The truth is, everything is not ok. My denial is over. I guess I couldn't take it anymore, & the breakdown began. So, now I feel like I should be completely honest, no matter how raw my thoughts & emotions may be.

The things I say from here on out are not cries for help. I am getting help, that I can assure you. I just want to chronicle this journey which will hopefully end with the light at the end of this long, dark tunnel. It can't hurt. It may help. I may learn things about myself in the process. I may not. I honestly have no clue what I'm in for, but the journey has to happen.

I've found myself in recent weeks experiencing prolonged periods of severe pain & depression. The pain, physical & emotional. The depression, very severe. Two nights ago, I truly scared myself. Not that I'd ever become suicidal, but I found myself honestly thinking & saying aloud that I'd rather not be here. So often have I wanted to just not exist anymore. Any trace of a positive attitude has been sucked right out of me. I believe that making one's way through loss is never an easy journey, but the sheer quantity of the loss I've had to endure over the course of 9 short months has just broken me into little pieces. My mother, my grandmother, my father-in-law(Lonnie had been a huge part of my life since I was 13 years old)...all gone before I could even wrap my head around the situation. My father & stepmother have pushed me & my sisters out of their lives & I consider that yet another loss. I've taken custody of my youngest sister & I'm trying so hard to help her but I can't even help myself. My husband has lost his father & his grief combined with mine has caused a major rift in our relationship. I talk too much & he doesn't talk enough. The lack of communication is killing us. I feel like we are losing one another. On some level, I wish he would leave me so I can get as much loss out of the way as I can. I'm so terrified of someone else I love leaving that I'm completely pulling away from everyone who means anything to my life. I feel worthless and sad and like I am burdening everyone around me. I don't ever want to leave my bed because, when I sleep, I don't feel. I sleep so much, just not at night. I sleep for the purpose of avoidance & simply because I just cannot take it anymore. I rarely leave my house because I'd rather be isolated. Solace is hard to come by these days.

I am completely broken. I am in thousands of tiny pieces on the ground and I just don't know how or when I can start rebuilding. I don't think I'm ready but I've made psych appointments. I am willing to go on stronger meds to help me gain control again. When my mother was told she was terminal, I made the conscious effort to stay one step ahead. I went on meds, started seeing a therapist, & began mentally preparing myself for the inevitable. But, what I didn't know then is that there is no preparation for what happened. I kept my guard up and braced myself. Recently, all of it has just pummeled me & left me for dead. Loss and grief are so evil. I can only hope that maybe I'll "find" myself throughout this experience, as I've been told I will. But, hope is far from my capabilities as of this moment.

Today, life is not beautiful. I feel naive for trying to convince myself of that. I prefer being naive and being able to convince myself that life has a purpose. I want that back. But, reality is cold & harsh & sometimes completely unfair. Maybe one day I'll begin to think positively again but I'll always be somewhat jaded. Innocence lost, never to be returned. As of now, my outlook is bleak. I'm just being honest.

So, I will continue to write & work through all of this. The girl you and I knew is lost & drowning & may be gone for quite some time...or maybe forever. Trust me when I say that I am trying, though. I don't want to completely give up without a tangible fight.

Remission

So, I was told 2 or so months ago that my depression seemed to be going into remission. But, with Adam's father passing away recently, I think I went into a mini-tailspin. I quit my job & I don't have much interest in anything but music anymore...and I sometimes have to coerce myself into enjoying that. The job I don't miss. It was a good decision and I haven't had even on doubt about it. When I left the first time, my heart was heavy and I missed it. This time, I feel none of that. I just wasn't getting anything out of it anymore. Where that leaves me professionally is yet to be determined, but things will work themselves out eventually.

I'm sleeping throughout the day and staying up until dawn every night. I don't know why that happens to me but it's not a new problem. I can feel the depression seeping back in. Every time someone mentions my mother or I think about her, I break down. My therapist says that the emotional elements of loss never truly go away. They work in cycles, sometimes taking years to transition from one stage to the next. So, the truth is that, although it will decrease in severity, the pain of my loss will never go away. I have lost 3 very close family members in the past 9 months. I believe that I have every right to be depressed. I have every right to feel my pain and not try to suppress it. Not fighting what I feel has made my depression more bearable, if only by tearing down the wall I had built around my true feelings.

Life, in my opinion, is still beautiful. I am still an optimistic person...just one going through a rough time. I'm still going to live while I can. Some say people never change. I'm here to attest that we can & will, given certain circumstances. I am so very different now. I'm thinking it may be time for me to change my direction in life. I think I want to go back to school to study psychology. Not for a career, but I am obsessed with how humans work. I want to write about my findings. I want to share my experiences. I want to put myself out there. Maybe I can help someone else. Maybe someday I can form a support group, or something like it, to help people in my position now.

For the time being, I want to volunteer. I've been looking into things I can do for the American Cancer Association. Some may say that I'm doing for my own well-being but I can't honestly think of a better way for me to heal. Helping myself while helping others. If we're not helping one another throughout this test we call "life", we're wasting our capabilities. When you think about it, all we really have is one another. Human relationships & interactions, no matter how shallow or deep, are all significant in some way. We should take something from every person we meet, but also remember to give in return. We're all connected.

Just Breathe

Today, I'm feeling amazing. There is peace in my mind and in my heart. I play better when I feel this way. :P

Listening to very inspiring, very stripped down music(right now- Jack Johnson's rendition of "Imagine"). Feeling like I've found the key to happiness. Interestingly enough, there isn't just one key. But they all unlock the same door.

I resolve to no longer settle. I will no longer take this beautiful journey of life for granted. I'm aware that everyone has bad days, but there is beauty even in sadness. You just have to look for it. Work hard for what you want in life but remember to have fun in the process. Your existence is what you make of it. You get one chance. Make it count for something.

My heart is full and I am smiling with genuine happiness today and life is just beautiful. Even on the days when my heart is heavy and the tears flow, life will still be beautiful. Take it in.

Live freely, laugh heartily, love unconditionally, & share with others.

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." -John Lennon

Austin Nights

Guitar jammin'. Hole-in-the-wall bar, having beers with great friends. Coming home to crawl drunkenly into bed with my beloved husband. Knowing that I'm getting up to go to a job that I love in the morning.

These things make me smile....especially when they all happen on the same Austin evening. I've been so out of touch with this town lately. I've been giving so much love to New Orleans(& rightfully so) that I temporarily blanked on all of the amazing things that I love about Austin. This place & it's people are so incredible. I'm so grateful that the universe brought me here & continues to send amazing people & experiences my way. This town has made so much happen for my life. I am forever indebted.

Tonight may have seemed like a run-of-the-mill type of night around town, but I felt something that I haven't felt in awhile; a connection. My life is beautiful. I forget that sometimes. But, you can't really fault a person for always wanting a little bit more. It keeps life exciting!

So, to the entity that made tonight a night for laughter, reckless abandon, & great relationships, I thank you. I hope in the next life, you bring me back to be me again, because moments like these make everything worth while.

Strummin'

My guitar is quickly becoming my most treasured possession. Playing it is like an addiction. I have to do it every single day. I refer to the calluses on my fingers as little badges of honor. To think, 3 months ago, I didn't have a clue as to how to play. But, today, I have a plethora of songs in my repertoire. I've done many things to be proud of in my life, but I think this tops the list.

It's been a great couple of days. Beautiful weather, amazing football games, working at Path, & quality time in my own bed. I have class in the morning and I could not be more excited! It seems as if it's been forever since I've concentrated on my education. From what I understand, we'll be working on forward graduation, which is a favourite of mine. I'm not perfect at it by any means, but it's fun to do and has a beautiful finish.

Although I'm a resident of the great state of Texas now, I was so happy to see the Cowboys go down today! Tony Romo is a douche and they ruined my Saints' perfect season. Needless to say, I'm in the minority here, but I enjoy being different. One more game and my team will be in the Super Bowl! It's going to be an intense week leading up to next week's play-off game!

I'm headed off to continue practicing. Can't wait for my next showcase! I'm sure there will be plenty of open-mic nights to keep me busy in the meantime.

"Wired and I'm tired/ Think I'll sleep in my clothes on the floor/ Maybe this mattress will turn on it's axis/ And find me in yours." -John Mayer

Who Says?

I've decided to start a new blog. A sort of new beginning, you could say...

It's a new year with lots of new opportunities for good. Having recently taken a 6 month hiatus from "normal" life, my mindset has changed. I know many people say it, but I truly know what I means to cherish every moment, every person, every desire...

My internal struggles have lately turned from heartache & sadness to fighting my urges to live in the moment. I have a beautiful life, although I do believe there is more out there waiting for me. Somehow, I'd like to incorporate my passions with my responsibilities and leave as little room for regret as possible. Living in the moment sometimes mean doing/saying things you may regret later. Events can be life-altering. When should we as humans act on impulse and when should we fight it? Should we ever fight it? Will we want to re-do certain situations and encounters once we're too old(or dead) to do anything about them?

My dreams and goals for my life seem to be taking me in a different direction than I once envisioned. That's cool...things change. Nearly 2 years ago, I was settled into a life that I felt was perfect. Things have happened. Lessons have been learned. I want more out of life. I love Austin. I love my job. I love my family. But, I am, well, restless. I want to go, to see, to feel.

Internal conflict is made more difficult by your physical surroundings....sometimes. I traveled to New Orleans by myself last week and I can't remember the last time I felt so right. Something about the city and the opportunities there makes me feel at home. Even when walking(or dancing) around by myself, I didn't feel alone. I felt elated. Does that mean I should be there? I have no clue....because, as I drove down South Congress Avenue today(in Austin), I felt the same thing. This city is just as amazing, just lacking the dirty, swamp-like soul that New Orleans harbors.

I want uninhibited happiness. I want wild success. I want tons of laughter with friends...the kind of friends that can quote my favourite music right along with me and "get" my humor...and love me unconditionally. I meet people on a daily basis, but very few are let into my world. Why? Because everything and everyone in my life requires & deserves my passion & devotion. I have love, passion, and respect for every little aspect of my life right now. Every person. Every guitar chord. Every stroke of the makeup brush or snip of the shears. Every laugh.

The question that still resounds in my mind is that of what to do next. I'm not so sure that I'm the "settling down" type. I thought I was. Not so much anymore. Although, a psychic in New Orleans did tell me that I need to start following through completely. Maybe she knew that my tendency is to start planning what's next before I'm finished with whatever I'm currently doing.

One thing I do know for certain is that I want to spread as much happiness and love around this world as I possibly can. That can't happen by being physically, mentally, or spiritually stagnant. So, I have plans...big ones. They were dreams at one point. I'm making them real. Why not? Who says I can't have my cake and eat it, too??

Here's hoping for less analyzing and more living in my time to come.

"Every day should be a good day to die." -Dave J. Matthews